I paid a visit to my neighbour for drinks & catch up sports on his television. His name was Joe. He lived with his brother kalvin. Together we exercised our stock teenage transgressions with our favourite weapon of choice 😂drugs.
Kalvin took charge of the proceedings administering tots and a funny pill (only god knows where he got them from) he had a history of never leaving us in the lurch. Tonight would be no exception. We waited for the effects to kick into gear as we verbally delved deeper into arsenals misfortunes in the transfer market.
STOP DROP & ROLL.
Three-quarters of an hour later , I’d had enough of waiting . I slowly stood up. “I don’t feel a thing,” I announced. “I’m going to hit the sack😴😴.” I fell over, rolled myself up in kalvins tassel-ended rug and bunny-hopped🐇 cylindrically to the corner of the living room , then refused to budge for the next 20 minutes
My mind was in complete sixes and sevens.🥴 All my fears and worries were flashing before my eyes, threatening to come to light. Spooked shitless, i began having a monologue . Drifting slowly into extreme anxiety, I worried about a slimy snake slithering through the kitchen drain and bitting my leg, I worried about dying & being reincarnated as an olive.
I worried that one of my children will marry an Eskimo in Greenland who will set me adrift on an iceberg when I become a vegetable & could no longer feed myself, Lastly I worried about the earth being over-run by an army of angry fat rats😂
As I would soon find out the following day I had yelled out all my thoughts and vile machinations for every man Jack to hear, thinking all of it was happening in the safety of my mind. Kalvin did his best to shut me up before I started crying
As my introspections bedeviled me and my big mouth betrayed me ,.. Hallucinations😵 beset joe who was pacing the living room floor completely terrified that if he stopped in his tracks, his body would slowly dissolve into the ground from the knees down 😂leaving him a legless cripple. Kalvin again swooped in, wrestling him to the ground before he knocked over the television.
Afew hours later…..
I opened my eyes. It took a few minutes to find my bearings but eventually it hit me,.. I was in the friggin restroom. My head felt like a helium balloon tethered to the wicker basket that was my body.Seemingly abandoned by my fellow psychonauts after I passed out earlier , I succeeded in switching on the hot tap, and hauled myself into the bathtub, where I slumped, wobbling in and out of consciousness,
I stretched myself out like a crocodile in three inches of tepid fluid
Distraught & nursing a throbing headache . Hunger got the best of me .I got up using the edges of the tub to support myself. I staggered out of the bathroom all the way to the kitchen . .. I begun fishing about in the fridge. Opening the last compartment only to find a can of beans. Much to my dismay there was nothing else to eat in that house.
I have eaten bad things in my life. I have eaten goat testicles that were burnt to a crisp . I have eaten street fish so cheap and spongy I would have been better off consuming the brown wrapper it came in. I have eaten stomach-turning Greek yogurt unworthy of the description ‘foodstuff.
These were terrible moments in the personal history of my palate. But none of them can match the all-round, eyelid-creasing, tastebud-trashing, tooth-insulting awfulness of that can of beans, as I jammed down putrid smelling beans past my uvula & into my oesophagus………… , I was seized by the type of self-loathing described by lechers who seek the company of lasses they would otherwise abhor. In my drunk delirium I had OVERLOOKED the expiry date.😭😭 Overwhelming hunger had pushed me to believe that unless I ate the contents of that can quickly, the sole alternative would have been a lingering demise by starvation.
Little did I know that the consequences of that decision would be dealt with in the wee hours of that morning with a very long unpleasant trip to the bathroom.
With my belly now full, I sluggishly returned to the living room to lay down on the couch . Before long I was fast asleep.
I woke up in the morning disoriented & with a rumbling stomach 😣
To be continued…..