PILLS & TOTS

I paid a visit to my neighbour for drinks & catch up sports on his television. His name was Joe. He lived with his brother kalvin. Together we exercised our stock teenage transgressions with our favourite weapon of choice 😂drugs.
Kalvin took charge of the proceedings administering tots and a funny pill (only god knows where he got them from) he had a history of never leaving us in the lurch. Tonight would be no exception. We waited for the effects to kick into gear as we verbally delved deeper into arsenals misfortunes in the transfer market.

STOP DROP & ROLL.

Three-quarters of an hour later , I’d had enough of waiting . I slowly stood up. “I don’t feel a thing,” I announced. “I’m going to hit the sack😴😴.” I fell over, rolled myself up in kalvins tassel-ended rug and bunny-hopped🐇 cylindrically to the corner of the living room , then refused to budge for the next 20 minutes

LUNACY.

My mind was in complete sixes and sevens.🥴 All my fears and worries were flashing before my eyes, threatening to come to light. Spooked shitless, i began having a monologue . Drifting slowly into extreme anxiety, I worried about a slimy snake slithering through the kitchen drain and bitting my leg, I worried about dying & being reincarnated as an olive.
I worried that one of my children will marry an Eskimo in Greenland who will set me adrift on an iceberg when I become a vegetable & could no longer feed myself, Lastly I worried about the earth being over-run by an army of angry fat rats😂
As I would soon find out the following day I had yelled out all my thoughts and vile machinations for every man Jack to hear, thinking all of it was happening in the safety of my mind. Kalvin did his best to shut me up before I started crying

HELL.

As my introspections bedeviled me and my big mouth betrayed me ,.. Hallucinations😵 beset joe who was pacing the living room floor completely terrified that if he stopped in his tracks, his body would slowly dissolve into the ground from the knees down 😂leaving him a legless cripple. Kalvin again swooped in, wrestling him to the ground before he knocked over the television.


Afew hours later…..

I opened my eyes. It took a few minutes to find my bearings but eventually it hit me,.. I was in the friggin restroom. My head felt like a helium balloon tethered to the wicker basket that was my body.Seemingly abandoned by my fellow psychonauts after I passed out earlier , I succeeded in switching on the hot tap, and hauled myself into the bathtub, where I slumped, wobbling in and out of consciousness,
I stretched myself out like a crocodile in three inches of tepid fluid

Distraught & nursing a throbing headache . Hunger got the best of me .I got up using the edges of the tub to support myself. I staggered out of the bathroom all the way to the kitchen . .. I begun fishing about in the fridge. Opening the last compartment only to find a can of beans. Much to my dismay there was nothing else to eat in that house.

BRAIN FOG

I have eaten bad things in my life. I have eaten goat testicles that were burnt to a crisp . I have eaten street fish so cheap and spongy I would have been better off consuming the brown wrapper it came in. I have eaten stomach-turning Greek yogurt unworthy of the description ‘foodstuff.
These were terrible moments in the personal history of my palate. But none of them can match the all-round, eyelid-creasing, tastebud-trashing, tooth-insulting awfulness of that can of beans, as I jammed down putrid smelling beans past my uvula & into my oesophagus………… , I was seized by the type of self-loathing described by lechers who seek the company of lasses they would otherwise abhor. In my drunk delirium I had OVERLOOKED the expiry date.😭😭 Overwhelming hunger had pushed me to believe that unless I ate the contents of that can quickly, the sole alternative would have been a lingering demise by starvation.

Little did I know that the consequences of that decision would be dealt with in the wee hours of that morning with a very long unpleasant trip to the bathroom.
With my belly now full, I sluggishly returned to the living room to lay down on the couch . Before long I was fast asleep.
I woke up in the morning disoriented & with a rumbling stomach 😣

To be continued…..

Unfinished Business

It was a Saturday afternoon …, I had just finished preparing myself owing to the fact that in the next half hour I’d be taking part in a baby shower so I made sure I looked like a sight for sore eyes. I put on my cap with the new York Yankees insignia gracing the front as I bade my siblings goodbye .Bearing gifts on one hand I walked briskly, the venue was several blocks from home . Despite the fact that the memo I received at first light said White was the preferred dress code I had decided at my own peril to wear black . This baby shower to me ,was more like a burial where I was obliged to attend & pay my last respect’s since her vajay jay was no longer up for grabs, the day she conceived was the coup de grace on any prospects of ever getting a little squeeze from my ex one last time .it was a bit difficult to reconcile but eventually, I would.
Finally I arrived at the gate & due to the absence of a doorbell I took a sneak peek through the fence just to ensure there we no hounds marauding the vicinity .I then slowly let myself in, I was greeted by the sight of four beautiful women taking selfies at the balcony. We hastily exchanged pleasantries & the host ushered me into her humble abode & I must say, she looked ravishing. Yes even with the baby bump now at its peak . Her skin glowed like the Caribbean sunset . she asked me to make myself comfortable as she served me food ..,& so I did .I cosily curled up on one of the couches right after I said hello to everyone who had graced the occasion. No sooner had I settled down than my temporary Asperger syndrome kicked in at full throttle , this is where my cap & phone came in handy to remedy the awkwardness that was slowly creeping in. I strategically lowered my cap’s bill & proceeded to pretend I was texting someone A few minutes later I was handed a plate of food as she kindly murmured ‘bon appétit’ . she Left me to gobble down the contents of that plate & I did so with ease. Minutes later I was sandwiched between two girls. There was a funny smell as if they had been smoking something. They both greeted me & from there we began to converse …,at some point I was able to decipher that I was dealing with two fully fledged stoners on my right was Avril. She was tall ,slender & had legs for miles she wore a pair of black tights that I was labouring not to stare at but it was an exercise in futility. I crossed my legs in case ‘things’ started getting disorganized . i decided to shift my usual rapt attention to her eyes as she spoke of how she ended up as a pothead, I did not notice much a miss about avril until her saucer like eyes lighted upon me .Her eyes were Windows into a haunted & broken soul, they had gazed into the abyss & seen the abyss gaze back into them . Owing to her prodigious drug consumption her pupils periodically expanded beyond the circumference of the contact lenses resting upon them, she confessed that for the last five years she had never seen the world through unstoned eyes. I laughed out loud when I imagined how much she would keel Over in amazement if she See’s the world for what it really is. Jane the girl to my left decided to contribute to our discussion we, in tandem ,shifted our attention to her, I noticed she had a bun in the oven .she suggested they go outside to smoke another round I was briefly taken aback by what she had just said but for the Sake of political correctness I remained tight lipped , They stood up & left the room hurriedly . I could not help but feel sorry for the poor soul that had set up shop in Jane’s hostile uterus Like the smoke, his or her mental faculties we going up in smithereens at that very moment .
After what seemed to be a lifetime the girls returned… their movements this time ,could only be likened to a man wafting around atop a Small cloud. After bludgeoning their brains into submission with a second larger hit things took a turn for the worst. They sat down. Avril the once talkative one now preferred to glassily & noncommittally eyeball anything that crossed her field of vision her mouth was now hanging open in perpetual puzzlement. Jane on the other hand tried talking to me but her voice had diminished to a husky ,slurred murmur .she would utter a sluggish phrase ,pause for half a minute then embark on the next one… I was unwilling to hang around long enough to piece together her remarks by the time I left Avril was wobbling in & out of consciousness & Jane had not finished a single sentence if I stayed there for a moment longer I’d readily feign death just to make her stop . on my way home I thought about the anti cannabis campaign , the problem with this seemingly benign drug is that it acts as a golden gateway to far more toxic & heinous abuses. Whatever happened to the two women only god knows & may all the forces of heaven & hell see that unborn baby through to her birth – day … The only thing on my mind as I slid in between the sheets that night was how long do I have to wait to come inside a woman without fear ???

“Avengers: Age of Ultron” Review

Flimsy Film Critics

The city is flying, we’re fighting an army of robots and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense, but I’m going back out there because it’s my job. And I can’t do my  job and babysit. It doesn’t matter what you did or who you were… If you step out that door, you are an Avenger. 

I want you to take a moment to appreciate how far we’ve come. Three years ago, the mere concept of an Avengers movie was completely preposterous. Six different heroes stuffed together in the same picture with a little over two hours to tell the story? Yeah, right, that will never work.

Flash forward to May 2015 and not only has Marvel proven that it does work, but now shared-universe films are all the rage in Hollywood. DC is fast-tracking its own cinematic universe by throwing Batman and Superman together in…

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MY PETITION TO THE DIVINE

      My long term relationship with food has always been characterized by frustrations mostly on my end of the bargain time & time again. The depth of emotional trauma I have succumbed to is known only too well by me , food & u the creator . Trust me, I also find the fact that it has come to this a bitter pill to swallow whole.Nevertheless desparate times call for desparate measures. 
They say ‘God helps those who help themselves’ so in that respect Lately I have been gobbling down food like a man possessed faster than any animal known to man but the precious nutrients seen to be slipping between my fingers for I I’m yet to reap the fatty benefits that go hand in hand with continuous overeating.  Despite my spirited efforts I continue oscillating between 60.0-60.2kgs on the higher end.
As the old adage by our Scottish ancestors goes if turnips were swords then I would have one by my side or in my case we would not be having this conversation .. it dawned on me recently father that most of our forefathers sayings may neither in this life nor in the next come to pass ,it is my sincere hope that this won’t be the case for my plea here today .                     New years eve was with us just afew weeks ago and just like any rational thinking human being worth his salt on this giant ball of gas and rock, I took a moment away from the hustle & bustle that comes with the festive season and penned down some new years resolutions. At the helm of my list was gaining a meager five more kilos to add to my hard earned 60kgs (& I mean hard earned mate ) but unlike most new year resolutions made by man on 31st December since the Egyptians invented the first solar calendar, mine came with a well thought out feasible plan to guarantee success. Seeing me write this letter you get the feeling things didn’t go according to plan. With the hope of the weighing balance ever tipping to my favour growing evermore dimmer by the day this letter to the divine seems to be the only viable last resort.      With Valentine’s day being just afew hours away this year I plan to take my relationship with food to the next level …        if it means “kupanda mbegu “(giving tithe) in a bid to rid me of my woes ..  for Christ sake then, so be it    ..      Fueled by desparation & the demonic hunger for one more plate   I’m at the liberty to believe that witchcraft might have a hand in this plague that haunts my sorry soul year in year out.               
I am trapped in a quagmire & with this letter I hope yank on your heartstrings ,this time I will not take no for an answer .I seal this envelope hoping against hope that I have knocked on the right door with unwavering faith that my woes will not only be heard but answered on the double.